Home Again
by weebqueen101
Summary: When the team finds out about Lance's depression that he tried so desperately to hide, how will they react? WARNING: RATED M FOR MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND SELF HARM


**A/N: Well this is quite the selection of songs, huh? All different in their own ways**

 **Song #1: Waving Through a Window from Dear Evan Hansen**

 **Song #2: Nonsense Speaker by Rachie (her version)**

 **Song #3: Guillotine by Jon Bellion**

Lance has had depression since Middle School, but he managed to hide it throughout his life. The only people who knew were his parents, his oh so loving parents, the ones who really helped him get better.

He had slowly been recovering back on Earth, the medication doing most of the work on its own, but out in space, he didn't have medicine to rely on. His first week in space went okay - he kind of forgot about the medicine with all the other craze - but the next week hit Lance hard.

It was just like Middle School; Lance felt terrible about himself. He started cutting again, hiding it under his suit, thinking about suicide nightly. The only thing that stopped him from jumping out of the airlock was the fact that the universe needed him, and even then, he sometimes thought they would be able to find a better paladin than him anyway.

One day, they had to set off on a diplomatic meeting, and Lance was supposed to wear a short sleeve shirt, so he had to find long gloves - Keith didn't even want to ask - and then he set out.

On the way to the meeting, Lance passed a crying girl, and was about to stop to ask what was wrong when Keith stopped, noticing Lance's slowed pace.

"What do you think we'll talk about during the meeting, Lance?" Lance decided she'd be fine and followed Keith again, starting an actually decent conversation with him, for once.

When they got to the meeting and all made introductions, Lance started to tune out - politics were so boring - but then he saw the girl from before.

She had long, straight, pink hair with very extravagant earrings and a long black dress with a white sash across the middle. Her skin was a beautiful lilac, shimmering under the sun. She was shaking.

Lance watched curiously as she stumbled up to a cliff's edge, and realizing what was going to happen, he suddenly shot up from his chair and ran to her.

The team started yelling after him, following him, and all his team saw when they got to the edge was the girl in Lance's arms as he used his jetpack to slowly bring them down to safety at the bottom of the cliff.

They waited for a long time, just watching the girl cry into Lance's shoulder, until Shiro remembered that they all had their comms on, and told the team to tune in.

What they heard shocked them all.

"I just - I don't know if you'd understand, I'm sorry to burden you -"

"Don't apologise! You have nothing to be sorry for. If I'm honest, I know all too well what you're going through. Oftentimes, I, myself, will walk right up to the airlock in our ship and only just barely stop myself from throwing myself out." The team could barely see from where they stood, but they managed to make out Lance pulling his gloves down to show multiple gruesome looking scars, hearing a gasp from the girl. They were stunned silent.

"Whenever it gets too much, I just - I can't stop. I feel like I deserve it, like there's no reason I shouldn't be in pain, and this is the only way I can get it out. The only way I can feel full and right again." He pulled his gloves back up, and tears in his eyes, he turned to smile at her. "But it'll all be okay.

"Even if it seems like everyone hates you, like there's no reason to live anymore, like you're just an annoying piece of burden that doesn't deserve to be here, taking up so much air, it's really all going to be okay. Because there are people that care about you that you can go to, people who will take care of you and make you happy to be alive again.

"I have myself, who do you have? Because if you don't have anyone, I can be that someone. Let's be friends." The girl tugged Lance into a hug and squeezed so hard it made it hard for Lance to breathe, but he wrapped his arms around her in return.

When they finished talking, her number in Lance's pocket (they had something similar to phones in space, only, connected across the Galaxy), he wiped his tears and came back up to the edge of the cliff with his jetpack.

He didn't think anyone heard him from such a distance, but when he landed on the cliff, he saw the whole team was crying, even Keith. Though, now that he noticed, Keith also looked kind of pissed.

"You asshole! How could you not tell us something this important?! We could've helped!" Shiro had to hold him back before he did anything rash. Seeing Shiro cry was like watching a dog get hit by a truck, if Lance was being honest - their fearless leader, always standing strong to give everyone else an example, finally crumpled.

"Keith, please - I'm sure you can understand why he wouldn't tell us." It took Lance's mind a while to process the situation. Everyone knew now. How, he didn't know, but that wasn't the point - they knew.

He thought about how easy it would be to avoid this. How easy it would be to just fall backwards and never have to worry about anything again, but life had other plans.

Seeming to sense his thoughts, Coran (of all people, Lance thought to himself) frantically pulled him away from the cliff, sniffing, and into a hug. Allura joined, then Hunk, Pidge, and soon everyone was huddled around him in a circle, squishing him with all they could in the tearfest.

At some point, Lance began crying, too, and they stayed like that for a while before everyone pulled back, and they decided to talk about this after they finished the meeting.

When everyone involved with the meeting heard what happened, they immediately agreed to form the alliance, saying how thoughtful, brave, and quick-witted the blue paladin was to have done such a thing, and for someone he didn't even know at that.

Finally done, everyone was exhausted, but no one was ready to go to sleep without talking to Lance first, so there they all sat. Huddled in the control room, waiting for someone to make the first move. Surprisingly, it was Keith.

"Lance, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blown up at you like that - I don't know why you hid it, but you would have to have had a good reason to, right?" Shiro gave him an approving smile, and Hunk just burst into tears again.

Lance looked down while he fiddled with his hands.

"I - I really don't know what to tell you guys. On one hand, I'm really upset that you eavesdropped on such a personal conversation - however you did - but on the other I know I really should've told you sooner anyway. I just didn't want you to find out like this." There was another long silence before Pidge spoke.

"Lance, I know you don't like talking about your feelings, we all knew you were struggling with that fake-ass confidence of yours -"

"Language," Shiro cut in.

"- but I hope you know you can trust us. As bitchy as I can be sometimes -"

"Pidge," Shiro cut in again.

"- you're a really good friend and we're happy to have you here. To lighten the mood when it's tense, to make a big deal out of our birthdays, to know when something's wrong and just what to say to make it better, and most importantly, to be our family. We all love you, Lance. We don't want you to struggle alone." Everyone nodded in agreement, turning to Lance.

There was very long silence, and then, to everyone's surprise, Lance started singing.

"I've learned to slam on the brakes

Before I even turn the key

Before I make the mistake

Before I lead with the worst of me."

Everyone's shock soon faded into bliss. For the paladins, it was the first time in such a long time they'd heard music, and for the alteans, it was their first time hearing music period. And boy, what music it was. Lance's voice was angelic, smooth, and practiced. None of them had ever heard anything as beautiful. But their bliss soon turned to concern when they tuned into the lyrics.

"Give them no reason to stare

No slipping up if you slip away

So I got nothing to share

No I got nothing to say

Step out, step out of the sun if you keep getting burned

Step out, step out of the sun because you've learned, because you've learned

On the outside always looking in

Will I ever be more than I've always been

Cause I'm tap tap tapping on the glass

Waving through a window oh

I try to speak but nobody can hear so I

Wait around for an answer to appear

While I'm watch watch watching people pass

Waving through a window oh oh oh oh

Can anybody see?

Is anybody waving

Back at me?" His voice cracked as the tears he'd been holding back for years started to flow freely.

"We start with stars in our eyes

We start believing that we belong

But every sun doesn't rise

And no one tells you where you went wrong

Step out, step out of the sun if you keep getting burned

Step out, step out of the sun because you've learned, because you've learned

On the outside always looking in

Will I ever be more than I've always been

Cause I'm tap tap tapping on the glass

Waving through a window oh

I try to speak but nobody can hear so I

Wait around for an answer to appear

While I'm watch watch watching people pass

Waving through a window oh oh oh oh

Can anybody see?

Is anybody waving

When you're falling in a forest

And there's nobody around

Do you ever really crash or even make a sound?

When you're falling in a forest

And there's nobody around

Do you ever really crash or even make a sound?

When you're falling in a forest

And there's nobody around

Do you ever really crash or even make a sound?

When you're falling in a forest

And there's nobody around

Do you ever really crash or even make a sound?

Did I even make a sound?

Did I even make a sound?

It's like I never made a sound

Will I ever make a sound?

On the outside always looking in

Will I ever be more than I've always been

Cause I'm tap tap tapping on the glass

Waving through a window oh

I try to speak but nobody can hear so I

Wait around for an answer to appear

While I'm watch watch watching people pass

Waving through a window oh oh oh oh

Can anybody see?

Is anybody waving

Back at me?

Is anybody waving?

WAVING

WAVING

WOOOOOAAAAH

WOOOOOAAAAH" The team stared in shock, no one knowing what to say. Thankfully, they didn't have to. Lance started singing another song.

"I try to ignore the hurt inside

And bit by bit

Part of me dies

The smile on my face

Is just a lie

A lie

A lie

That I can't hide

The blade of a knife

That cuts so deep

The pain

The pain

I don't dare speak

I can't let you know

The way I feel

A secret I will keep

I don't need your sympathy

Your vicious lies

They're killing me

And you don't even understand

The things I feel or who I am

I try so hard to bring you joy

My heart is cold

The flame has died

I hide behind the lie that has become

The new me

I toss and I turn

I just can't sleep

I'm gone

So long

That's fine with me

I won't turn around

My mind is clear

But the wounds

That you leave

Never heal

Now I know you'll never change

You've got the same look on your face

And things will never be the same

It's over now and you're to blame

Twist the knife I feel the pain

You hurt me but I won't complain

And like a fool I'm smiling through the tears

A fool

For you

The trick of the light

Where am I

Time fades away

Like yesterday

I don't need your sympathy

Your vicious lies

They're killing me

And things will never be the same

It's over now and I'm to blame

Can you do one last thing for me

Put me out of my misery

I hide behind the lie that has become

The new me

The real me

No

No

No

Ooh

The blade of a knife

That cuts so deep

The pain

The pain

I don't dare speak

I can't let you know

The way I feel

A secret

I will keep" They were even more worried for him than before, but still had nothing to say. After another long silence, geez this was becoming a pattern, Keith started to sing a reply. This shocked them even more than Lance singing.

"Sleep on me

Feel the rhythm in my chest

Just breathe

I will stay

So the lantern in your heart won't fade

The secrets you tell me

I'll take to my grave

There's bones in my closet

But you hang stuff anyway

And if you have nightmares

We'll dance on the bed

I know that you love me

Love me

Even when I lose my head

Guillotine

Guillotine

Even when I lose my head

Guillotine

Guillotine

Even when I lose my head

Kiss my lips

Feel the rhythm of your heart and hips

I will pray

So the castle that we've built won't cave

The secrets you tell me

I'll take to my grave

There's bones in my closet

But you hang stuff anyway

And if you have nightmares

We'll dance on the bed

I know that you love me

Love me

Even when I lose my head

Guillotine

Guillotine

Even when I lose my head

Guillotine

Guillotine

Even when I lose my head

You fill me up

You fill me up

You set my soul ablaze

You fill me up

You fill me up

Your love is so amazing

You fill me up

You fill me up

You set my soul ablaze

You fill me up

Even when I lose my head

Guillotine

Guillotine

Even when I lose my head

Guillotine

Guillotine

Even when I lose my head

Guillotine

Even when I lose my head

Guillotine

Guillotine

Even when I lose my head

You fill me up

You fill me up

You set my soul ablaze

You fill me up

You fill me up

Your love is so amazing

You fill me up

You fill me up

You set my soul ablaze

You fill me up

Even when I lose my head" Everyone was stunned silent once again, all turning to Lance for a response. Keith's singing voice was on par with his, not to mention, he basically just confessed his love to him.

"Keith, I - I don't know what to say." He was still crying, but just a little harder now. "I can't really tell if you meant that platonically or romantically, but -"

Keith face palmed. "I literally said 'Kiss my lips feel the rhythm of your heart and hips' where was the message lost?" Lance brightened.

"I love you, too." The team was completely lost. It was just surprise after surprise - they weren't even sure if this was reality anymore. And Lance loving Keith? That had to be fantasy.

They honestly felt really guilty for not knowing all this stuff about Lance, for not trying to figure him out when that's all he ever did for them. "But anyways, that's not the issue at hand. I am really sorry I didn't tell you guys sooner - I just didn't know how to say it, or how you guys would react. I wasn't ready for everything to change.

"Sometimes I'd even sneak into a healing pod at night when it got too bad, and no one ever noticed. No one really cared. I was always trying to get to know you guys, to figure out your flaws so I could help you overcome them, and now that I look back on it, that was probably all because I wanted someone to do that for me.

"But I ended up pushing you away when you tried, anyway. The only person who tried to understand me, to help me, was Coran, and I kept him at arm's length.

"If I'm being honest here, and am really going to start relying on you guys, you should know," his voice wavered and he took a deep breath, "I hate myself. I hate myself so much it physically pains me and I remind myself constantly everyday. It's really the only constant in my life. It's my first thought every morning, my last thought every night.

"I would even go as far as to say it's a comfort. No, it really is. Whenever things get out of hand, or I do something really dumb, there's always that voice in my head ready to insult me at every corner. Ready to remind me of what a screw up I am.

"And I really am. I really am just an annoying little boy who can't do shit, and I hate it." He started sobbing, shaking as he hiccuped. "I'm so useless - I hate it! _I hate it_!" The others were startled when he started screaming, no one knowing what to do, or what to say.

Lance stopped and buried his face in his hands, visibly shaking.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he just kept repeating it over and over. Hesitantly, Keith reached over and touched Lance's shoulder.

"Don't be." Similar to the group hug at the meeting, they all huddled around Lance protectively and it was waterworks all over again. They fell asleep just like that, Lance in the middle, enfolded in warmth. It was the best sleep Lance had gotten in ages, even on the floor.

Lance woke up to find that he was alone on the floor. Was it all a dream? Lance huffed. Of course it was - why would anyone actually care?

He got up to go to the kitchen and get himself something to eat. When he turned the corner, there everyone was, holding a cake and a banner that read " **LANCE APPRECIATION DAY** " in big bold letters.

"Happy Lance Appreciation Day, Lance! We decided you need some more love in your life, so we're making today a holiday. Just for you." It was Allura who spoke, though Lance couldn't imagine why they'd pick her to deliver the news, and Lance started crying again.

It wasn't a dream after all.

Lance was quiet throughout most of the party, still recovering, but he felt just a little better. He wouldn't be having suicidal thoughts for a long time to come, if ever again, and that in itself was a comfort.

Everyone kept telling Lance how much they loved him, and Keith kissed him once, everyone oohing and wooting. It really was a great day.

And for the first time in a long time, Lance felt he was home. Home once again.


End file.
